(HealthNewsDigest.com) - The majority of my clients are couples. The majority of the couples I see come to me requested by the man. This is a bit unusual for psychotherapists as women are typically the ones who make counseling appointments, doctor appointments, teacher appointments, and all appointments unless you consider car dealers. The men who are seeking help via counseling many times are referred by their physician, but not always. Last week the couple I spoke with brought up an issue that has become more and more of a problem within the last two years. This problem looks like the typical marriage breakdown in communication, less time spent together and less intimacy shared.

However, the exact issue lies underneath the way it presents. The real issue is the wife has become a mother to her children, and to her husband. In a sense, he becomes one of the kids. She begins talking to him with simple directions just as she does with the kids, she teases and tells her friends she has three kids (including her husband) and she no longer desires him at night because she views him as a kid needing attention, and not her lover.

This may sound extreme, but in a very real way it is happening in many homes all over the world. Part of it is media. The TV shows, movies, music and many of the shows on Disney, which our children are watching, depict men as single super heroes or as clumsy, bumbling dads. He may be funny, and media makes him look sensitive at times, but overall he never knows what's going on in the home, and without his wife he would be lost. There is no doubt on the majority of shows America is watching dads look incompetent compared to moms. What I find interesting is men don't react or seem offended by it. On the contrary, they may complain but they go along with it. We all see parts of ourselves when we watch something humorous that plays off a stereotype, but when it becomes part of what is destroying marriages, or what our children are seeing and couples are living, it's time to reflect on it, and look at our own families.

Most men, like women, love attention from their spouse. They want to be desired, cared for, and respected. Women naturally have more nurturing hormones, and the emotional expression of those behaviors may come more naturally for her. Husbands typically have an easier time expressing the physical aspects of those qualities. The problem for marriages is when a woman is caring for her children, and she generalizes that her husband is like a child rather than her partner, it is more difficult for her to be sexually attracted to him as her lover. The problem isn't his fault or her fault. The problem is both have to change their behaviors, and their thinking will usually follow. Below are some suggestions that can help women and men become co-parents and maintain their intimacy within the marriage:

1.      Become one another's fan again. Take every opportunity to comment on little positive things your spouse does for the family as well as for you on a personal/emotional level.

2.      Take time for the two of you ONLY. Kids are not part of date night. When dads make arrangements for the babysitter it mentors to the children the importance of mom and dad going out together, and it tells your wife that she is a priority.

3.      Dads who jump in and help with domestic chores are teaching their child leadership begins with leaders doing the same work they want others to do.

4.      Don't criticize your spouse, especially in front of the kids. Women's verbal skills are such that the way they lash back when they are tired or upset is with hurtful criticisms. When you talk to your spouse in a demeaning or demasculinizing manner you are not only hurting him, but you are making him less desirable in your mind.

5.      Guys, for women to feel sexy they need to escape in their minds. The best way for them to do this is for you to take them away, or take the kids away for a couple hours. Women get turned on by what you do for the family. The more she sees you taking an active role with the kids and yet whisking her away to be your lover, the easier it will be for her to not view you as one of the kids.

In the fifties, dads' primary role was to be the provider. Times have changed and both women's and men's roles have changed. I work in the medical field, media and private practice world. In medicine, no matter if both husband and wife are physicians or scientists, the woman typically is still the number one person responsible for the kids. In media, popular shows depict men needing women sexually, as well as mothers to their children and to themselves. In private practice, I see couples getting divorced because they no longer desire one another and/or feel as if they are no longer desired. The one constant theme in all three is that couples must prioritize their relationship. This can best be done when parents co-parent, and both people view one another as lover or sweetheart and not as mommy or daddy. You are a mommy and daddy to your children only. -Mary Jo Rapini

For more information or you FREE MONTHLY RELATIONSHIP TIPS: www.maryjorapini.com

Podcasts:

http://ustre.am/PLWS Struggling with low libido in your relationship

Married with small children at home and keeping your relationship close http://traffic.libsyn.com/sexandintimacy/MJR_ep_01.mp3

Improving your body image http://traffic.libsyn.com/sexandintimacy/MJR_ep_04.mp3

Talk to me on my fan page: http://www.facebook.com/maryjorapini

Tweet me: @ Mary Jo Rapini

Join me weekday Mornings for "Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo" on Fox 26 Houston at 9 A.M.

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