Guest Columnist
Dating or Married to a Womanizer? You Need to Run Away - Fast!
Jul 19, 2009 - 6:08:42 AM

( - You are married to this guy, and this is the third time you have had the same fight in a week. He is cheating. You know he is cheating. He knows it, and is becoming less and less defensive. He thinks he has a right. He thinks its part of being a “guy”. It may be part of being a guy, but it isn’t part of being “your guy”. What is going on?

Unfortunately you may be married to a womanizer. Womanizers are as old as Casanova. You’ve heard the stories and many men have tried to fill ”Casanova’s shoes”. He was a “lady killer” from Venice. The story reports that he wined and dined women charming them and making them feel beautiful all for the sake of getting them in bed. The next morning Casanova would wake early and leave and do it all over again. Have you heard the other part of the story? Casanova struggled with a very low self-esteem, and the only way he could make himself feel better about being in his body was sexual conquests. Most likely it made Casanova (and the woman he was with) feel very good for a short while. Casanova had another interesting family dynamic that many women dating or married to men like this are not aware of. He (like most womanizers) had a very non-existent relationship with his father. In fact many womanizers have no male mentors that they can relate to as a child. This makes them feel insecure about who they are as men. Understanding this aspect of a womanizer can help a woman deal with being in a relationship with one.

Psychologists think womanizers may be unable to feel guilt. I have the opinion that they are acting out severe pain in their own life. They stay emotionally detached from their partner so they can leave easily and not feel the pain of leaving. They are usually manipulative and function from the mindset that I better hurt you first because when you see how empty I really am, you may hurt me. His manipulation skills mean he can be very loving with words and actions, but this is superficial and he can show you his most brutal behavior within minutes of his best. Since Womanizers are almost addicted to the chase or challenges you present before him, the more difficult you make it to go to bed with him the more charming he will become (unless he has abusive tendencies and then you may find him using violence as a tactic).

How to deal with being in a relationship with a Womanizer?

You cannot give him therapy. Bite your tongue and leave. Don’t look back, do not reconsider. He most likely will not change (if he does it will take years of psychotherapy).
If you decide to stay with him, don’t ever sleep with him. If you do, he will be gone shortly.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking if you marry him he will make a great daddy. He won’t! This man will never be faithful to your children’s mommy (that’s you in this case). If you have daughters you will raise girls who think this is how all men treat their wife. If you have sons they will be distant from their dad and they will think they have to be like him to be married.
Remember…womanizers are masters at expressing empathy and understand women’s feelings. They will let you vent so you feel relaxed and safe. Then he makes his move and before you know it, you are making the bed and he is no longer in it!!!
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Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two. She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, Women’s Health, First, and Seventeen magazine. Mary Jo writes her own column (Note to Self) in the Houston Chronicle and “Ask Mary Jo” in Houston Family Magazine. She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and specializes in relationships. She is a popular speaker across the nation, with multiple repeat requests to serve as key-note speaker for national conferences. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She was recently a major participant in a symposium for young girls dealing with body image and helping girls become strong women. Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever. She has appeared on television programs including Montel, Fox Morning News and various Houston television and radio programs. Keep up with the latest advice at MaryJo

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