Cancer Issues
Helping Your Children When You Are Diagnosed With Cancer
By
Feb 12, 2010 - 4:23:59 PM

(HealthNewsDigest.com) - Lejia of New York City was devastated when she learned she had both lung and breast cancer, but her biggest concern was how her youngest son, Justin, would cope, knowing his mom was seriously ill. And Lejia’s cancer did affect Justin. She started noticing changes in his behavior that really worried her.

“He was having some problems at school…he was fighting…he was not the son I knew,” she recollects.

A school administrator recommended she contact CancerCare, a national nonprofit organization that provides free support to families facing cancer, and Justin was paired with an oncology social worker from the CancerCare for Kids® program. Through this pairing, Lejia learned there are many things you can do to help your children cope. That in itself helped give her piece of mind during a very difficult time for the entire family.

Through individual counseling and support, Justin’s social worker helped him better understand his mom’s cancer and treatment. He also helped Justin find healthier ways to express his feelings.

“It was a blessing for me,” she says. “It was the best thing I did for myself, as well as for Justin.”

Below are some of the tips offered by CancerCare’s social workers for helping children understand and cope with a parent’s cancer.

Talking About the Diagnosis

Among the many difficult questions parents face when diagnosed with cancer is, “Should I tell my children?” Fearful that they might upset or worry their children, some parents withhold the news. But by talking with your children honestly and helping them express their emotions, you make it easier for them to feel safe and secure.

It’s usually best to talk with your children soon after the diagnosis is made. Sharing information early on will help build trust. Many parents find it helpful to practice or write down what they want to say before the first conversation.

If you have children of different ages, you might speak with your older children first. Try to have these conversations as close together as possible so that all members of the family are aware of the situation and have a chance to support each other.

Be sure to let children know that cancer is not contagious. Young children especially often think of being sick in terms of catching germs. Let them know they can’t catch cancer like a cold. Tell them you can hug and kiss each other just like always.

When speaking with your children, use age-appropriate language. By using words that are common and familiar, your children will have an easier time understanding your cancer and what to expect. Every parent best knows his or her child’s level of maturity and understanding.

And as important as what you say is how you say it. Using a calm, reassuring voice, even if you become sad, will help your children see how you are trying to cope. If your children become upset or wander off, tell them that you know this is a tough conversation and you understand how they feel. You can always come back to it later.

Preparing Your Children for the Effects of Your Treatment

In discussing your treatment with children, you will want to prepare them for possible side effects. Seeing side effects from chemotherapy, such as a parent’s hair loss or weight loss, can be upsetting to children. If children understand in advance that the side effects are part of the treatment and not part of the illness, they can handle things better.

With children aged 5 to 8 you might use crayons and paper to make simple drawings of some of the changes that might occur. This will give your child a more concrete way to understand that there will be changes with the treatment.

Because different people respond differently to treatment plans, let your children know if you’re not sure what side effects you might have. Reassure them that you or another important person in their life will help them prepare for any changes. Providing this kind of comfort and support demonstrates your continued love and caring.

In addition, look for ways that your children can continue to feel connected with you while you begin treatment. For example, if you’re going to be in the hospital, your children might draw pictures for your room or send cards. Letting your children know how much you love them and that you’re thinking of them will make it easier for them to cope with the time you’re in the hospital.

Staying connected at home is also important, but it might be difficult to do some of the things you were able to do before. Cancer and its treatment may prevent you from lifting or carrying your toddler or young child, for example. By hugging your child from a seated position or lying down on the floor, couch, or bed, he or she can feel comforted in your arms.

Teenagers are likely to have different needs than younger children. It’s not unusual for them to express an interest in learning as much as possible about their parent’s cancer. You might ask your doctor to set aside time to meet with your teens so they can ask questions, or suggest resources and appropriate websites for reliable information.

When you allow your teens to demonstrate their ability to handle things in a mature way, you show them that you have confidence in them. Let your teens know how proud you are of them and stay in touch with their feelings.

Easing Your Child’s Fears

No matter what the prognosis is, some children will ask right at the beginning if their parent is going to die. In most cases it will be enough to say that with your doctor’s help, you’ll be doing everything possible to get rid of the cancer and that you’re hopeful you’ll get better.

If your cancer is advanced and aggressive, you can still tell your children that your doctors are doing their best to treat it and that you’ll let them know how the treatment goes. Again, be hopeful. Your children will take their cues from you.

Try to watch out for any emotional changes in your children that might indicate they are stressed from worry. Check to see if they might have misinformation. Sometimes children hear something misleading from other people and imagine something that isn’t true.

Chances are your child is very worried about your cancer and may want to stay home to make sure you’re okay. Perhaps he thinks you need him to help out. While it is a good idea to give your child age-appropriate tasks, such as bringing you a glass of water or an extra blanket, be sure to let him know that you don’t expect him to take care of you all the time.

Reassure your child that while you work hard to get rid of the cancer, you need him to work hard at school and to keep up with his homework, his friends, and his activities.

Give him lots of praise for his efforts, and try to spend some relaxed, unstructured time together after homework. Children need to know that their parents are in charge; it helps children feel safe and secure.

Getting Extra Support

Since there is no way to predict with certainty how your particular treatment will affect you, it’s good to have a support team in place ahead of time to make sure your children’s needs continue to be met during this time.

Since your spouse or partner may be busy with work, helping you get to your doctor, and taking care of you, you might consider asking someone your child knows well, such as a family member or close friend, to act as a “coordinator.”

When other friends or neighbors ask what they can do, the coordinator can put things in motion. If you put a schedule together of your children’s activities, your coordinator can ensure your children keep as normal a routine as possible.

In preparing your children to cope with your diagnosis and treatment, keep in mind that it’s impossible to anticipate every situation or question that will come up. Sometimes, you may not know what to say. This is normal and okay.

Remember, though, that you are the expert on your children. Cancer can be overwhelming and disruptive, but it doesn’t change the fact that you know your children best. Trust your sense of how to best support them during this difficult time.

If you need guidance or support before talking with your children or at any time afterward, contact CancerCare for Kids. Our team of professional oncology social workers can help you find ways to address your children’s questions and concerns and can refer you to helpful resources.

All of our services, which include counseling, support groups, education, and financial assistance, are completely free of charge. To learn more, call 1-800-813-HOPE (4673) or visit us online at www.cancercareforkids.org. Additionally, people can help support CancerCare for Kids by participating in their unique annual national fundraiser, Cupcakes for a Cause (www.cupcakesforacause.org).

Subscribe to our FREE Ezine and be eligible for Health News, discounted products/services and coupons related to your Health. We publish 24/7.
HealthNewsDigest.com
We videotape Press Conferences, produce Satellite MediaTour's, B-rolls, PSA's, - all with distribution: HealthyTelevisionProductionstvmike13@healthnewsdigest.com

© Copyright by HealthNewsDigest.com